Sometimes My Mind Is My Greatest Enemy
Here’s the shitty thing about inspiration: it can just suddenly disappear.
I’ve rewritten this at least fifteen times by now. It’s frustrating and incredibly disheartening to have a distinct message that just won’t translate. I was trying to write about permanence and the people or things that make you stay. I was going to tell you about the invisible strings tugging on my fingertips and the way that my heart settles around certain people. I was going to tell you about how I feel when I catch the sunset through the window of the first subway car. I was going to tell you about my relationship with this city: how it transformed from somewhere that I simply was to somewhere that I wanted to be. But it didn’t sound the way I wanted it to; it didn’t sound like me.
So now I’m sitting here trying to write about how I can’t write a fucking thing. And I was on a role for a little bit, writing about shit I was feeling based on shit I had experienced. But to tell you the truth, I haven’t been feeling much or experiencing anything. I don’t feel empty, per se, just still. Like the days are going by too quickly and I can’t keep up. Like I’m the horse on the carousel, completely stagnant while the rest of the world flies by. Like my experiences aren’t my own, because I can’t describe them or define them or write them down.
I’m not sure what’s wrong, but I just can’t find the words. My brain can’t develop six hundred words about babysitting my niece yesterday or getting lunch with my parents on Tuesday or spending this past weekend binging The Defiant Ones with my boyfriend. For some reason, I’m unable to mold these moments into prose. And it’s not that these moments didn’t mean anything. It’s that I’m incapable of unearthing the words that portray how meaningful they were.
Now, I’ve lost my inspiration, my motivation and my ideation. As I’ve reflected on my lack of reflection, I’ve managed to conceive this composition. And I’m surprised that I was able to create anything when I couldn’t even write the first sentence. So the next time you feel as though you’re stuck and like your brain won’t work the way it usually does, don’t lose your shit. Just try again.