Flaws Flaws Flaws

The truth is that I have a lot of fucking flaws. Here’s a brief list: lazy, too practical, shy, procrastinator, guarded, forgetful, low-key needy but too proud to admit it, etc. Those are just a few, but you get the gist. I would love to trade them in for personality traits that are a bit more favorable, like general enthusiasm, optimism and motivation. I would love to be that person who lights up a room or is the life of the party or who speaks her mind unapologetically. To be completely honest, I daydream about being a completely different person all the time. I’m aware that isn’t healthy, but it’s borderline impossible not to imagine what your life would be like if you were someone else.

And I don’t even think about being a specific person. Maybe it would just be ideal to be the complete opposite of who I am right now. How cool would it be to go through college as an extrovert? Like to present day me, that sounds exhausting but I’m sure my LinkedIn network would be fucking huge right now. Imagine: I walk into a room and just strike up a conversation with the first person I see. And it would be dead easy, I wouldn’t even have to think about talking points I had googled the night before or the major plot of the story that was a hit last time. Freshman year of college wouldn’t have been so painful, maybe I would’ve joined a club and actually stayed in it.

Don’t even get me started on networking. Small talk is difficult for me, so networking is beyond my comprehension. How the hell do you go to one of those networking events and come out with a job offer? If you have the answer, please slide in my DMs. I’m far too shy, introverted, and generally off-putting to even try going to one of those. Thinking about the possibility is cringe-worthy: me, in a corner, occasionally smiling at the people who walk by and getting way too drunk to barely mask my social anxiety. Yikes.

I actually tried to be a different person once, a few years ago. My pattern of turning down invites and being content with hanging out with myself was annoying, so I decided to say yes to things. Suddenly I was going to parties I wasn’t directly invited to, where I knew one person and I made myself be okay with it. I was meeting people I probably never would’ve met otherwise and doing the most random of things just because. It was an interesting year, hands down, but it was truly draining. I eliminated “me time” and was always surrounded by friends or constantly meeting new ones. When the year came to an end, and I reflected on my new persona, I realized that I’m just not wired that way. Although it was cool to see what life would be like as a positive, extroverted person, it wasn’t sustainable. Eventually I just burned out.

So yes, my flaws can take up an entire college-ruled notebook. I spend a lot of time contemplating alternate realities where I am an improved version of myself (Cenithia 2.0). I dream about waking up one day and suddenly being outgoing or excited. But reality is reality. I’m a mildly detached human being and my life so far has been average. But I think I’ve found a solution to my unhealthy problem. I should just change my perspective. Instead of looking at life for what it isn’t, I should admire life for what it is: a wonderful shitshow. Maybe tomorrow will be different.

The truth is that I have a lot of fucking flaws. Here’s a brief list: lazy, too practical, shy, procrastinator, guarded, forgetful, low-key needy but too proud to admit it, etc. Those are just a few, but you get the gist. I would love to trade them in for personality traits that are a bit more favorable, like general enthusiasm, optimism and motivation. I would love to be that person who lights up a room or is the life of the party or who speaks her mind unapologetically. To be completely honest, I daydream about being a completely different person all the time. I’m aware that isn’t healthy, but it’s borderline impossible not to imagine what your life would be like if you were someone else.

And I don’t even think about being a specific person. Maybe it would just be ideal to be the complete opposite of who I am right now. How cool would it be to go through college as an extrovert? Like to present day me, that sounds exhausting but I’m sure my LinkedIn network would be fucking huge right now. Imagine: I walk into a room and just strike up a conversation with the first person I see. And it would be dead easy, I wouldn’t even have to think about talking points I had googled the night before or the major plot of the story that was a hit last time. Freshman year of college wouldn’t have been so painful, maybe I would’ve joined a club and actually stayed in it.

Don’t even get me started on networking. Small talk is difficult for me, so networking is beyond my comprehension. How the hell do you go to one of those networking events and come out with a job offer? If you have the answer, please slide in my DMs. I’m far too shy, introverted, and generally off-putting to even try going to one of those. Thinking about the possibility is cringe-worthy: me, in a corner, occasionally smiling at the people who walk by and getting way too drunk to barely mask my social anxiety. Yikes.

I actually tried to be a different person once, a few years ago. My pattern of turning down invites and being content with hanging out with myself was annoying, so I decided to say yes to things. Suddenly I was going to parties I wasn’t directly invited to, where I knew one person and I made myself be okay with it. I was meeting people I probably never would’ve met otherwise and doing the most random of things just because. It was an interesting year, hands down, but it was truly draining. I eliminated “me time” and was always surrounded by friends or constantly meeting new ones. When the year came to an end, and I reflected on my new persona, I realized that I’m just not wired that way. Although it was cool to see what life would be like as a positive, extroverted person, it wasn’t sustainable. Eventually I just burned out.

So yes, my flaws can take up an entire college-ruled notebook. I spend a lot of time contemplating alternate realities where I am an improved version of myself (Cenithia 2.0). I dream about waking up one day and suddenly being outgoing or excited. But reality is reality. I’m a mildly detached human being and my life so far has been average. But I think I’ve found a solution to my unhealthy problem. I should just change my perspective. Instead of looking at life for what it isn’t, I should admire life for what it is: a wonderful shitshow. Maybe tomorrow will be different.